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Chapter 2
Water
Another peculiar dream last night, about
water this time. Water, an endless sea of
it, an infinite body of billowing,
undulating, moving water. I had no
perception of its depth, and in the dream
that was just normal, as it should be. A
thing that struck me as rather peculiar was
that even if this water was endless, there
were a shore, a shore appearing at ebb tide
only, and the whole dream took place during
ebb. In the water a crocodile was lurking.
It wasn't real though, it was more like …
well, it's hard to describe this since my
knowledge about its nature came more from a
feeling than from an objective observation,
but it was like it was man-made. But it
behaved just as a real one, and it had its
mind set on killing its prey, just as a real
one.
For
some reason it always had its mind set on me,
whenever I went into the water. I didn't
know why, and I certainly didn't like it. It
was as if the crocodile didn't care about
anyone else but me, and it just waited for
me to enter. I absolutely loved being in the
soothing wonder of that water, except, of
course, for the threat of the crocodile.
Every time I went into the water I felt the
crocodile's eyes looking for me, and once I
got caught in its sight it moved rapidly
towards me, forcing me to swiftly get out of
there again. But I kept having this yearning
feeling towards this grand body of water,
wanting to re-enter it, wanting to sense the
soft, gentle water caressing my body in its
encircling embrace once again.
The
water had no temperature, and my first
impression of its colour was that it was
transparently sand-yellowish. When I looked
closer I could see that just beyond the
surface some kind of water plants were
moving leisurely in the calm rhythm
characteristic of an almost still water. The
water plants shifted in subdued dark-green,
a somewhat brighter light-green, and some
sort of brownish orange, all against a light
luminous warm-yellow backdrop. That
yellowness somehow gave me a feeling of a
divine welcoming.
I
closed my eyes and then, in my mind’s eye, I
could see three kinds of waters colliding;
one dark-green, one a mixture of light
green, orange, brown and yellow, and one
dark-red. All three of them were very
intense and stormy – the red one reminded me
of a tornado. They each had separate spaces,
and yet it was like they were interrelated,
unified, as if, I thought to myself, they
didn't resent each other completely, however
hostile towards one another they were – or
felt like they had to be in order to survive.
As if, in spite of everything, they were
entwined and in fact deeply wanted to feel
their interlaced connectedness, no matter
how much animosity towards the others they
also held inside at the same time.
I
opened my eyes and sensed the water in front
of me once again, its softness beckoning me
to re-enter. I walked towards it and once
again I felt it embrace my body with its
tender touch, it just felt so good, so
assuasive, like where it lovingly cleansing
the very core of my soul. But there the
crocodile was again, it had spotted me and
it closed in on me, coercing me to turn
back. I felt frustration welling up inside
of me from this happening over and over and
over again, and I thought: "Why, why, why
always me? It can leave everybody else in
peace, but not me!".
Then,
out of nowhere, a woman entered the dream. I
knew she was there to help me with the
crocodile. She didn't say anything, she just
went into the water, walked straight up to
the crocodile intending to catch it and take
it away from there. I knew she was putting
herself in a life-threatening situation
doing that, as did she, but she wasn't
afraid – just very careful and cautious. And
she
did
manage to catch the beast. She carried it up
on land and placed it on a bench. As soon as
she let go of it, it transformed into a very
small scorpion, black-reddish in colour.
Like its previous shape – the crocodile –
this scorpion wasn't real, I had that same
feeling about it of being something man-made.
The
woman didn't seem to take any notice of any
of this, she left it and went away – as if
it couldn't do me any more harm. But
I
knew it could, and I knew it would, if it
just came close to me, if it just got a
chance. The scorpion ran down the bench and
disappeared into the sand dunes on the shore.
It was so small,
and moved so fast, I lost track of it
immediately. So now, everything had gone
from bad to worse. I didn't know where it
was, whether it was still on the shore or if
it had gone into the water. I couldn't see
it. I
just knew it was still there, somewhere. I
looked around, desperately trying to spot it
– I
had
to know if it was somewhere near me,
approaching me, because if it was, it was
with the intent to kill me. But I couldn't
see it. And my helpful woman had left.
So,
there I was, alone, standing perfectly
still, terrified from the scorpion, and all
I wanted was to be embraced by the water
again. I so longed to once again get in
contact with that amazing feeling of
simultaneous calmness and fulfilment – a
feeling like a close to God experience, a
feeling rising inside of me whenever I
reunited with the water. When I was there I
just wanted to move on, go deeper and deeper,
until I was so far away from the shore I
could no longer return. But I couldn't go
there, since that goddamned scorpion could
turn up any-fucking-where! And there I woke
up, having this strange double feeling of
being really scared and really calm and
relaxed, both at the same time. I glanced at
the clock; 5.35 am.
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